Growing up, I was good at most things. I was gifted and talented. I was smart, athletic, self-sufficient, and cute as a button. I was also quite depressed and anxious. Being a resilient kid, I was a coping champion. I made myself funny and silly so people wouldn’t notice anything amiss, I learned how to get by on little sleep and scant resources so I could keep up with my schoolwork and abundant extracurriculars. I got good at pushing down my emotions and ignoring my needs so that I could be easy-going and high-achieving.
And it worked, for a while.
I graduated from Stanford with a degree in psychology, worked with superstars in the field doing cutting-edge research, and landed my “dream jobs” in Silicon Valley. I created incredible success for myself, had a wealth of mental health knowledge, and yet I was still so very sad and so very anxious.
Little by little, I began to realize that I didn’t feel “real.” The persona I’d created for the world was not aligned with who I felt myself to be in my inner reality. My goals were not my goals. I was chasing things I didn't even want but felt like I needed to have. I quit my cool tech job and moved away from my friends and family to try to figure it out, which… made me even more sad and anxious. For years, I worked with therapists, tried medications, participated in psychedelic ceremonies, and developed strict routines to keep myself healthy.
Ultimately, I felt stuck in an endless loop of failure and self-loathing. I was never authentic, successful, or cool enough. I imagined–with all of my insight, skills, and effort–I should be soaring through life on angel wings. Instead, I was rotting in the mud like a dead bug.
I wish I could tell you that there was one thing that I did that changed everything for me overnight. Alas, that's not how life works. The meaningful shift came when I accepted that if I wanted to live a life that I feel at home in, it would not come from grinding myself down to be "good enough."
I committed to my peace and shifted my focus from what I do to how I show up. I began to prioritize rest, even when it made me feel lazy. I practiced facing the emotions that scare me and make me feel weak. I took some hard looks at my beliefs, assumptions, and the stories I was telling myself. I started getting honest about the places where I was selling myself out to gain approval. I became someone who empowers her own decisions and acts with intention.
Transformation came from reclaiming my autonomy, gaining competence at meeting my needs with kindness, and reconnecting to the things that bring me joy.
I still get stuck sometimes. Life is still painful. But because I’ve built trust within myself and developed skills and systems that honor my values, I have faith in my ability to find my way home.
I did not do this alone, of course. I was supported by amazing coaches and incredible therapists, wise teachers who witnessed my struggle, compassionately held up the mirror, and showed me how to remember who I am.
It would be a privilege to hold such space for you.
